I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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