after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
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