my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
