So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Randomize
