do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
