dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
then he tried to convert me to islam
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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