I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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