I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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