Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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