I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
