Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You ruined the universe
Randomize
