woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
