This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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