hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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