Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
