Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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