I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
