have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize