Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
