I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
