I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
