Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
