You're a womanizer and a bitch.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
