We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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