I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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