It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
