Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
