Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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