so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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