They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
