I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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