Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
