He uses pillows to masturbate.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
