Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
