watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
