I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
whose parrot is this?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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