Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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