I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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