He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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