im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
