Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize