Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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