weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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