Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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