i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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