after a month anything with tits is on the radar
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
