I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
