Quick, to the slutcave!
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
