4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
