I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
