Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
