I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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