I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
